‫- PREVIOUSLY ON AWKWARD...
‫- THE DUDE DATABASE ‫HAS GONE FULL-ON VIRAL.
‫- THIS IS GONNA REALLY PISS ‫SOME PEOPLE OFF.
‫HEY, I THOUGHT YOU SAID ‫WE COULDN'T DELETE
‫THIS STUPID DATABASE. ‫- NO!
‫JENNA, I DIDN'T MEAN ‫YOU CAN'T DELETE IT!
‫I MEAN DON'T [bleep] DELETE IT!
‫[cell phones chime]
‫- THEY WERE CALLING IT ‫THE GREAT REPRESSION.
‫THERE WAS A FULL-SCALE HOOKUP ‫DROUGHT AT PALOS HILLS HIGH,
‫AND THE HALLS WERE HAUNTED ‫BY AGGRO, SEX-STARVED TEENS.
‫GUYS THOUGHT IT WAS COOL ‫TO RANK GIRLS,
‫BUT WHEN THE HASHTAG ‫WAS ON THE OTHER FOOT,
‫THEY FREAKED, MAKING FOR ‫A VERY AWKWARD VALENTINE'S DAY.
‫- IT'S LIKE ‫A DATING DUST BOWL OUT HERE.
‫IF THINGS DON'T PICK UP, ‫I'M GONNA HAVE TO CANCEL
‫THE VALENTINE'S DANCE.
‫- THAT'S A TAD DRAMATIC. ‫- DRAMATIC?
‫VALENTINE'S DAY IS LIKE ‫THE SUPER BOWL OF DRAMA, JENNA.
‫DO YOU SEE A SINGLE GIRL ‫AROUND HERE
‫WITH FLOWERS OR CHOCOLATES ‫OR HOPE?
‫THE GREAT REPRESSION ‫HAS MADE IT IMPOSSIBLE TO LOVE.
‫- I WOULD THINK THE GUYS WOULD ‫BE HAPPY TO BE OFF THE HOOK
‫FOR VALENTINE'S DAY.
‫THEY HATE BUYING FLOWERS.
‫- UH, GOOGLE EARTH TO JENNA, ‫BJs ARE LIKE FLOWERS FOR DUDES.
‫YOU RUINED THAT FOR THEM TOO. ‫- ME?
‫WE BOTH STARTED ‫THE DUDE DATABASE.
‫- BUT ONLY ONE OF US ‫CONTROL-ALT-OUTED HERSELF
‫AS THE ADMINISTRATOR.
‫- OH! WHAT ARE THOSE?
‫- BLUE BALLS.
‫YOU GAVE THEM TO US, ‫SO NOW WE'RE GIVING THEM BACK.
‫- THANKS FOR RUINING ‫VALENTINE'S DAY.
‫- OKAY, THIS IS RIDICULOUS.
‫- I TOLD YOU NOT TO DELETE IT, ‫AND YOU DIDN'T LISTEN.
‫I AM NOT BECOMING ‫A PARIAH CAREY OVER THIS.
‫- FINE, I'M JUST GONNA HAVE TO ‫SAVE VALENTINE'S DAY BY MYSELF?
‫- LET'S FACE IT.
‫VALENTINE'S DAY ‫IS OFF THIS YEAR.
‫- VALENTINE'S DAY ‫IS SO ON THIS YEAR.
‫I WONDER WHAT WILL ‫HAS PLANNED FOR ME.
‫YOU KNOW THAT HE STARTED OUT ‫AS MY STALKER?
‫AND VALENTINE'S DAY IS LIKE ‫THE WORLD SERIES OF STALKING.
‫- UM, WHY AM I HERE AGAIN?
‫- OH, RIGHT, DO YOU MIND ‫EXPLAINING THIS PAPER?
‫- MS. MARKS, DO YOU KNOW ‫WHAT IT'S LIKE TO LEARN
‫YOUR ENTIRE LIFE HAS BEEN A LIE?
‫- WHEN I WAS 14, I FOUND OUT ‫THAT THE WOMAN I THOUGHT
‫WAS MY SISTER ‫WAS ACTUALLY MY MOM.
‫IS THAT THE KIND OF THING ‫YOU MEAN?
‫- THEN YOU UNDERSTAND HOW ‫IT MAKES YOU QUESTION EVERYTHING
‫YOU ONCE TOOK ‫AS THE FOR-SURE TRUTH!
‫- I GUESS.
‫- EVER SINCE MY DAD ‫WAS SENT TO GAY REHAB
‫AND MY MOTHER SENT MY BROTHER--
‫NO, MY BOYFRIEND--
‫MY BROTHER TO LIVE ‫WITH ANOTHER FAMILY,
‫I'M FINDING IT HARD ‫TO TRUST GOD'S PLAN.
‫SO I'M WRITING ‫ABOUT MY JOURNEY.
‫- OKAY, IT'S JUST THAT ‫YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WRITE
‫ABOUT THE NEW DEAL.
‫- THE NEW DEAL WAS ‫A REAL LIFESAVER.
‫IT GOT PEOPLE BACK TO WORK,
‫INFUSED ENERGY ‫INTO OUR ECONOMY,
‫AND PRETTY MUCH ENDED ‫THE GREAT DEPRESSION.
‫- THAT WAS IT.
‫I NEEDED A NEW DEAL TO GET US
‫OUT OF THIS GREAT REPRESSION, ‫AND I HAD AN IDEA.
‫[school bell rings]
‫I NEED THE BEST ONE YOU'VE GOT.
‫WAIT, HOW MUCH?
‫OKAY, WHAT CAN I GET ‫FOR 200 BUCKS?
‫GREAT, THANK YOU.
‫- WHAT ARE YOU FINALLY BLOWING ‫YOUR BABYSITTING MONEY ON?
‫BECAUSE IF IT'S CLOTHES, I HAVE ‫SOME CONSTRUCTIVE SUGGESTIONS.
‫- NOT CLOTHES, A PARTY BUS.
‫IT'S MY NEW DEAL, AND IT IS ‫GONNA END THE HOOKUP DROUGHT.
‫- HEY, JENNA, I HEARD ‫ABOUT THE HURT LOCKER
‫FULL OF BLUE BALLS, YEESH.
‫DON'T SWEAT IT--IT'LL ALL ‫BLOW OVER IN, LIKE, 12 MONTHS
‫WHEN WE'RE ALL IN COLLEGE AND ‫SPREAD OUT ALL OVER THE COUNTRY.
‫- TRY 24 HOURS.
‫I RENTED US A PARTY BUS ‫FOR THE DANCE TOMORROW NIGHT,
‫AND YOU BOTH BETTER BE ON IT.
‫- HOW IS A PARTY BUS GOING ‫TO SEXIFY THE STUDENT BODY?
‫- DO YOU REMEMBER ‫WHEN THE JULIES GOT
‫THAT DOUBLE-DECKER ‫FOR THEIR SWEET 16?
‫- OH, I REMEMBER.
‫- I WAS PRACTICALLY ‫THE ONLY ONE
‫THAT DIDN'T LOSE THEIR ‫VEHICULAR VIRGINITY THAT NIGHT.
‫- EXACTLY. ON A PARTY BUS, ‫THERE ARE NO PARENTS,
‫THE DRIVER LOOKS THE OTHER WAY, ‫AND THERE ARE PLENTY
‫OF NASTY NOOKS AND CRANNIES ‫TO GET YOUR FREAK ON.
‫- WELL, JENNA, IT'S A LOT TO ‫ASK, BUT IF IT HELPS THE CAUSE,
‫I'M ON BOARD ‫WITH YOUR PARTY BUS.
‫- AT LEAST ONE GUY ‫WASN'T HOLDING
‫THE HOOKUP DROUGHT AGAINST ME.
‫ACTUALLY, HE WAS ‫HOLDING HIMSELF AGAINST ME,
‫AND IT FELT PRETTY GREAT.
‫- SO, WILLY-YUM, SATURDAY NIGHT, ‫WHAT'S THE PLAN?
‫A LITTLE ROLE PLAY?
‫A LITTLE, UH, ‫CHAPS AND CHAPSTICK?
‫- SATURDAY, SATURDAY, UH...
‫OH, I'M ACTUALLY HEADED OUT ‫OF TOWN FOR A DIVE THIS WEEKEND.
‫- WELL, DO YOU HAVE ‫A VAL-ID REASON
‫FOR YOUR TIME AWAY?
‫- YEAH, I JUST NEED ‫A LITTLE R&R.
‫- DO YOU WANT TO ‫MAYBE REE-VAL-UATE THE SITUATION
‫BEFORE YOU LEAVE?
‫- NO, I'M GOOD.
‫SEE YA.
‫- ALL RIGHT. ‫BOOZE, CHECK.
‫TEQUILA FOR THE TEASES. ‫RUM TO HAVE FUN.
‫BEER FOR NO FEAR. ‫AND VODKA...
‫DOESN'T RHYME WITH ANYTHING. ‫UGH.
‫I SHOULD'VE GOTTEN WHISKEY. ‫WHISKEY MAKES YOU FRISKY.
‫THAT'S A GOOD ONE. ‫- THAT'S A GOOD ONE.
‫I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE ‫DITCHING ME TO GO SERVE SAUSAGES
‫TO SAD SINGLES.
‫- LONELY PEOPLE STUFF ‫THEIR FACES ON VALENTINE'S DAY.
‫IT'S ONE OF THE BIGGEST NIGHTS ‫OF THE YEAR FOR THE TRUCK.
‫I CAN'T AFFORD TO TAKE OFF ‫WHENEVER I WANT.
‫- AND I CAN'T AFFORD ‫YOUR LAME EXCUSES.
‫SEE YA.
‫- THE ONLY HEART YOU GIVE ME ‫TODAY, SADITA, IS HEARTBURN.
‫- I HOPE YOU CHOKE ‫ON A CHALUPA.
‫- LOOKS LIKE WE'RE EACH OTHER'S ‫VALENTINES. GIRLS' NIGHT!
‫- EW, THE ONLY WOMEN WHO ARE ‫HAPPY ABOUT A GIRLS' NIGHT
‫ON VALENTINE'S DAY ARE SINGLE, ‫30-YEAR-OLD SEX-AND-THE-SADS.
‫- I'M NOT SAD.
‫I'M JUST NOT SURE ‫IF GOD EXISTS OR NOT.
‫- WHEN'S THE PANTY DROPPER ‫SUPPOSED TO ARRIVE?
‫I MEANT THE PARTY BUS.
‫- MATTY WAS DEFINITELY DOING ‫HIS PART TO GET GIRLS
‫FEELING ROMANTIC AGAIN.
‫IF ALL THE GUYS LOOKED AS GOOD ‫AS HE DID TONIGHT,
‫I WAS SURE TO SUCCEED ‫WITH MY PLAN TO BRING SEXY BACK.
‫UNFORTUNATELY, MATTY'S PLAN ‫WAS TO BRING GABBY.
‫- HEY, GREAT TURNOUT.
‫- YEAH, GREAT.
‫- THANKS FOR ORGANIZING THIS.
‫- WHY WOULD HE BRING HER? ‫IT'S VALENTINE'S DAY.
‫HE SAID IT WAS NOTHING SERIOUS. ‫- A PARTY BUS ISN'T SERIOUS.
‫I THOUGHT YOUR AGENDA WAS ‫TO GET PEOPLE TOGETHER TONIGHT.
‫- IT IS. ‫IT'S JUST A LITTLE...
‫WEIRDER WITH SOME PEOPLE.
‫- I GET IT, BUT DON'T SPIN.
‫WE HAVE A DJ FOR THAT. ‫FOCUS.
‫TONIGHT'S ABOUT ENDING ‫THE DROUGHT AND NOT OBSESSING
‫OVER EX-BOYFRIENDS.
‫- HELLO, LADIES. ‫- WHOA, BACK TO THE FUTURE MUCH?
‫- YEAH, WELL, I REALIZED ‫THE NO-EFFORT LOOK HAD BECOME
‫TOO MUCH EFFORT FOR ME.
‫- OKAY, DID JAKE ‫HIRE A SWAG COACH?
‫- HEY, WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY? ‫NO OBSESSING OVER EXES.
‫[horn honking]
‫IS THAT--
‫[all groan]
‫- IT'S NOT A PARTY BUS. ‫THAT'S A STRIPPER'S METH LAB.
‫- IT'S A DREAM. ‫- NICE WORK, HAMILTRASH.
‫- 'SUP? GONNA NEED TO SEE ‫THOSE BENJAMINS UP FRONT, BRAH.
‫- THIS BUS WAS ‫THE OPPOSITE OF SEXY,
‫AND DID HE JUST SAY "BENJAMINS"?
‫BUT DID FDR GIVE UP ‫WHEN HE GOT POLIO?
‫NO. ‫- LET'S GO.
‫- ALL RIGHT, GUYS, ‫LET'S GET THIS PARTY MOBILE.
‫SOME BOOZE AND SOME BLING.
‫- DID SOMETHING DIE IN HERE?
‫- SOMEONE, BUT THAT WAS, ‫LIKE, WEEKS AGO.
‫DON'T WORRY. ‫I FEBREZED.
‫- COME ON, GUYS.
‫IT'S NOT THAT BAD.
‫LOOK, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
‫HOLLA, PARTY PEOPLE.
‫[all gasp]
‫- SO FAR, MY PARTY BUS WAS ‫MORE LIKE A FUNERAL PROCESSION.
‫NO ONE SEEMED ‫TO WANT TO BE THERE,
‫EXCEPT FOR MATTY AND GABBY.
‫I HAD TO DO SOMETHING.
‫ALL RIGHT, TIME FOR A LITTLE ‫"NEVER HAVE I EVER."
‫- CAN'T HAVE ANY OPEN CONTAINERS ‫WHILE I'M DRIVING.
‫- ARE YOU SERIOUS?
‫- WHAT HAPPENED TO LOOKING ‫THE OTHER WAY?
‫- ABOUT SIX DUIs.
‫- ALL RIGHT, WE'LL JUST ‫PLAY WITH WARM WATER.
‫ALL RIGHT, ‫WHO WANTS TO GO FIRST?
‫ANYONE?
‫- I'LL GO.
‫NEVER HAVE I EVER RIDDEN IN ‫SOMETHING SO SICK AND REVOLTING.
‫- OR ON SOMETHING. ‫- HA.
‫- MY TURN, ‫NEVER HAVE I EVER RIDDEN
‫IN A MOBILE LEPROSY TRIAGE UNIT.
‫- I'LL GO.
‫NEVER HAVE I EVER GOTTEN IT ON ‫WITH A MILF.
‫- DUDE. ‫- DRINK UP, BRO.
‫all: OHH.
‫- DIRTY.
‫- OKAY, I DIDN'T KNOW ‫WE WERE IN THE ARMY,
‫BECAUSE MAJOR SHENANIGANS ‫JUST REPORTED FOR DUTY.
‫WHO ROBBED YOUR CRADLE, ROSATI?
‫- DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
‫- OKAY, WELL, IF WE'RE NOT ‫GONNA BE TRUTHFUL
‫IN "NEVER HAVE I EVER," THEN WE ‫SHOULD PLAY A DIFFERENT GAME.
‫- TAMARA, BELIEVE ME. ‫IT'S THE TRUTH.
‫- ALL RIGHT, MY TURN.
‫NEVER HAVE I EVER
‫SCORED TRIPLE DIGITS ‫IN MINI GOLF.
‫YOU'RE A STRAIGHT-UP LIAR, ‫MCKIBBEN. DRINK.
‫- TONIGHT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ‫ABOUT EVERYONE HOOKING UP.
‫NOT EVERYONE WATCHING ‫MATTY AND GABBY VDTR.
‫VALENTINE'S DAY ‫THE RELATIONSHIP.
‫I HAD TO DO SOMETHING, RIGHT?
‫ALL RIGHT, MY TURN.
‫NEVER HAVE I EVER ‫TAKEN SOMEONE'S VIRGINITY.
‫MATTY? ‫- RIGHT, THANK YOU.
‫- UH, CHUG-A-LUG, J.
‫- TAMARA WAS RIGHT.
‫MY RECENT SWIPE OF OWEN'S V-CARD ‫MEANT MATTY AND I WERE
‫SUDDENLY DRINKING BUDDIES.
‫- WAIT, YOU TOOK ‫SOMEONE'S VIRGINITY?
‫- YEAH, YEAH--I MEAN, YES. ‫- WHOSE?
‫- CAN WE CHANGE THE SUBJECT? ‫PLEASE?
‫- SO LUKE WAS ‫A VIRGIN IN COLLEGE?
‫- [chuckles] ‫LOSER.
‫- WHO SAID IT WAS LUKE?
‫[brakes screeching, ‫horn honking]
‫OH! JEEZ!
‫- YO. ‫- YO.
‫- WE HITTING THIS VD FEST ‫OR WHAT?
‫- UGH, I DON'T CARE. ‫- WHY'D YOU ASK ME TO CHAPERONE?
‫I COULD BE PASSED OUT ‫IN MY TANNING BED RIGHT NOW.
‫- WILL FORGOT ‫ABOUT VALENTINE'S DAY.
‫IT'S SO SAD.
‫IT'S LIKE ONCE YOU LET ‫THE STALKER IN,
‫ALL THE ROMANCE DIES.
‫- I FIND THE BEST VALENTINE'S ‫DATES ARE TITO AND JACK.
‫- TITO PUENTE ‫AND JACK NICHOLSON?
‫- VODKA AND DANIELS.
‫WANTED TO BE DISCREET ‫BECAUSE OF THE KIDDOS.
‫ESPECIALLY SINCE ‫PRINCIPAL COCKBLOCK
‫CONFISCATED MY FLASK ‫LAST TIME AROUND.
‫- YEAH, I CAN'T. ‫I'M STILL ON THE CLOCK.
‫- COME ON. ‫TAKE A PULL OFF MY RACK.
‫- JUST PUT IT IN YOUR MOUTH.
‫- OKAY, BUT I WASN'T BREAST-FED, ‫SO THIS IS ALL NEW TO ME.
‫- ALL RIGHT, ‫YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO HOME,
‫BUT YOU CAN'T STAY HERE.
‫- THANK GOD.
‫- [gasps] ‫FIVE-SECOND RULE!
‫OOH, I LOVE CANDY HEARTS. ‫WHO'S MOLLY?
‫- OH, A HOTEL KEY. ‫MY PLAN IS WORKING.
‫SOMEONE IS ENDING ‫THEIR HOOKUP DRAUGHT TONIGHT.
‫WHAT LUCKY GUY ‫DOES THIS BELONG TO?
‫- UH, ME.
‫- CAN I TALK TO YOU OUTSIDE?
‫- A HOTEL ROOM ‫ON VALENTINE'S DAY?
‫MATTY'S USUAL BONE-US OPERANDI
‫WAS MORE LIKE ‫THE BACKSEAT OF HIS TRUCK.
‫WAS HE REALLY SERIOUS ‫ABOUT GABBY?
‫- LET'S GO. ‫WE'RE GONNA MISS THE DANCE.
‫- DUDE, WHERE ARE ‫OUR PARTY FAVORS?
‫- WEIRD, THAT DIDN'T ‫TASTE LIKE CANDY.
‫- OH, MAN, THE VESTAL VIRGIN ‫JUST SNARFED A MOLLY.
‫WHAT A [bleep] WASTE.
‫- OR A FANTASTIC EXPERIMENT.
‫SHE MUST HAVE BEEN HUNGRY ‫FOR SOMETHING TO BE SCAVENGING
‫ON THE GROUND ‫LIKE A FAMISHED BEAST.
‫both: HUNGRY!
‫- GO, GO, GO. ‫- GET IN THERE.
‫- GO, GO, GO, GO, GO, GO! ‫- GET IN THERE, GET IN THERE.
‫- GO, GO, GO! ‫- WHOO!
‫HOLY JEEZ, IS THAT THE TIME?
‫I GOT SO SUCKED IN BY YOUR ‫BOOZE BOOBS, I MADE US LATE.
‫[mellow alternative music]
‫*
‫- WE NEED TO LUBRICATE ‫THIS PRUDE PARTY.
‫- THAT'S IT, ‫THE BOOZE ON THE BUS.
‫WE NEED TO LIVEN THIS PLACE UP.
‫- I'LL SPREAD THE WORD. ‫NO ONE TURNS DOWN A FREE DRINK.
‫WE HAVE ENOUGH JUICE TO TURN ‫THIS DUST BOWL INTO A MUD PIE.
‫[clatter]
‫- COME ON. ‫- WHAT'S THE HOLDUP?
‫WE WERE PROMISED SHOTS.
‫- WELL, MR. PROMISES MALIBU HERE ‫KILLED THAT DREAM FOR US.
‫WE'RE AS DRY AS ‫A DOROTHEA LANGE DESERT-SCAPE.
‫- SORRY! ‫- YEAH, YOU ARE SORRY.
‫- WOW, HAMILTON.
‫YOU JUST KEEP FINDING ‫NEW WAYS TO SUCK.
‫- YEAH! ‫- OUCH.
‫- LOSER. ‫- I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.
‫- THE WHOLE SCHOOL ‫WANTS TO KILL ME,
‫AND ALL YOU CAN SAY IS "OUCH"?
‫- IT'S NOT MY FAULT ‫YOUR PARTY BUS WAS A PARTY BUST.
‫- NO, BUT IT IS YOUR FAULT ‫THAT THE RANKINGS WENT VIRAL,
‫YET I CONTINUE ‫TO TAKE ALL THE HITS.
‫- YOU GUYS FEEL LIKE VELVET.
‫IS THAT A GAY THING? ‫both: YES.
‫- IF MY DAD IS GAY,
‫DOES THAT MEAN ‫THAT I COULD BE GAY?
‫LIKE, AM I CARRYING GAY GENES?
‫- YOU MIGHT BE, ‫IF YOU'RE LUCKY.
‫I MEAN, HAVE YOU EVER HAD STRONG ‫FEELINGS FOR ANOTHER WOMAN?
‫- WELL, I LOVE MY MOM
‫AND MY KINDERGARTEN TEACHER
‫AND SADIE!
‫- SADIE--GOOD CHOICE.
‫HER HOTNESS LEVEL ‫HAS REALLY PEAKED THIS YEAR.
‫- YEAH, AND SHE'S RIPE ‫FOR THE PICKING.
‫- YOU THINK WE FEEL GOOD? ‫YOU SHOULD TRY SADIE.
‫I BET SHE SMELLS LIKE BUBBLE ‫GUM, SHAMPOO, AND PUPPIES!
‫- I LOVE PUPPIES!
‫- GO OVER AND SEE.
‫- I HADN'T SAVED ‫VALENTINE'S DAY.
‫I'D RUINED IT FOR EVERYONE.
‫- I SWEAR TO GOD,
‫IF I DON'T GET LAID TONIGHT, ‫I WILL LAY YOU OUT.
‫- THE GREAT REPRESSION WAS ‫TURNING INTO WORLD WAR III,
‫AND I WAS THE COMMON ENEMY.
‫WTFWFDRD?
‫WHAT THE [bleep] WOULD FDR DO?
‫[microphone feedback] ‫all: AWW.
‫- ATTENTION, EVERYONE,
‫I'M SORRY ABOUT ‫THAT STUPID RANKING SYSTEM,
‫BUT YOU SHOULDN'T LET IT ‫RUIN THE DANCE.
‫- NO, YOU DID THAT FOR US.
‫all: BOO!
‫- IT'S VALENTINE'S DAY:
‫A TIME FOR ROMANCE, ‫A TIME FOR PASSION,
‫A TIME FOR PINK... ‫- [yawns]
‫- AND SLIGHTLY DARKER PINK ‫HEARTS...
‫- WHY DON'T YOU HELP HER, ‫MILF SLAYER?
‫AREN'T YOU AN EXPERT ‫ON ROMANCE AND PASSION NOW?
‫- WHY DON'T YOU?
‫I THOUGHT YOU WERE ‫HER BEST FRIEND.
‫- A TIME FOR CUDDLING,
‫BEING THE LITTLE SPOON, A TIME-- ‫- YOU SUCK.
‫- A TIME TO QUIT BEING ‫HARASSHOLES TO JENNA.
‫SHE DIDN'T ACT ALONE ‫IN MAKING THE DUDE DATABASE.
‫I WAS HER ACCOMPLICE. ‫all: AWW.
‫- AND, UNLIKE HER, I WAS ‫TOO SCARED TO TAKE THE BLAME
‫UNTIL NOW.
‫JENNA HAS DONE ‫EVERYTHING SHE CAN TO MAKE IT UP
‫TO YOU GUYS TONIGHT, ‫AND I WILL NOT LET
‫MY LITTLE CUPID LOOK STUPID. ‫NOW, LISTEN UP.
‫- I KNOW SOME OF YOU GUYS ‫ARE AFRAID
‫TO LET LOOSE FOR FEAR OF BEING ‫RANKED OR CODED,
‫BUT WHO COULD EVER JUDGE YOU FOR ‫EXPRESSING WHAT'S IN YOUR HEART?
‫- OR AT THE VERY LEAST, ‫WHAT'S IN YOUR PANTS.
‫[laughter] ‫- SO COME ON, GET CRAZY,
‫BECAUSE THE ONLY THING ‫YOU HAVE TO FEAR IS FEAR ITSELF.
‫- WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK ‫YOU'RE DOING?
‫- PUPPIES.
‫[all gasp]
‫- SHE'S COME UNDONE, BITCHES!
‫- AND JUST LIKE THAT, ‫THE DAM HAD BURST,
‫AND THE DROUGHT WAS OVER.
‫- WHAT HAS GOTTEN INTO YOU?
‫- OBJECTIVE REASON ‫AND SOME ILLEGAL DRUGS, I THINK.
‫CAN I SMELL YOUR HAIR? ‫IT'S SO SHINY.
‫- UGH!
‫- GOD ISN'T DEAD.
‫HE'S EVERYWHERE.
‫THIS GOD TASTES LIKE ‫GRAPE GUM AND ORANGE SODA.
‫- OUR FINEST WORK.
‫- THAT WAS AMAZING. ‫THANK YOU.
‫- NO, THANK YOU FOR NOT ‫DEFRIENDING ME THIS WEEK.
‫I SHOULD'VE VOLUNTEERED ‫AS TRIBUTE DAYS AGO,
‫BUT I WAS TOO CHICKEN.
‫BE MINE? ‫- ALWAYS WAS.
‫[laughter]
‫- OH, MY GOD. ‫- OH, YEAH, WE'RE TOO LATE.
‫THIS IS LIKE ‫SODOM AND GOMORRAH.
‫- OH, RELAX.
‫- CATCH YOU LATER.
‫NICE SPEECH. ‫- THANKS.
‫BUT YOU'VE GOT TO GIVE UP ‫THE GOODS.
‫WHO'S THE MYSTERY MILF?
‫- THERE'S NO MYSTERY.
‫I MET HER ON NEW YEAR'S, AND ‫WE'VE BEEN HAVING A GREAT TIME.
‫MULTIPLE GREAT TIMES.
‫THREE IN A ROW, IN FACT.
‫- OH, PLEASE. ‫I'LL BELIEVE IT WHEN I SEE IT.
‫- YOU SHOULD BE SO LUCKY. ‫- GAME ON, ROSATI.
‫BUT YOU ONLY HAVE ONE CHANCE ‫TO TAKE ME TO O-TOWN,
‫SO LET'S DO THIS. ‫- COME ON.
‫- WATCHING ALL THE HOOKUPS, ‫I COULDN'T HELP BUT FEEL
‫A SENSE OF ACCOMPLISHMENT.
‫JUST LIKE FDR, I HAD HELPED ‫USHER IN A NEW DEAL,
‫AND WITH ALL THE LOVE ‫IN THE AIR,
‫THE DIRTY LOOK MATTY WAS ‫GIVING ME STOOD OUT EVEN MORE.
‫- WHAT'S YOUR DEAL?
‫THAT WHOLE THING BACK THERE ‫ABOUT ME
‫TAKING YOUR VIRGINITY ‫IN "NEVER HAVE I EVER"?
‫- I WAS JUST PLAYING THE GAME. ‫- IN FRONT OF GABBY.
‫THAT'S KIND OF AGGRO, ‫DON'T YOU THINK?
‫AND WHOSE VIRGINITY ‫DID YOU TAKE?
‫- YOU DON'T KNOW HIM.
‫DON'T YOU HAVE A HOTEL ROOM ‫TO GET BACK TO?
‫- I GAVE IT TO A NEEDY PARTY.
‫NO ROOM FOR ME TONIGHT.
‫THANKS TO YOUR GAMES, ‫GABBY LEFT.
‫- NOPE, NOPE,
‫NO WAY.
‫- OH, I CAN'T TELL YOU ‫HOW MANY TIMES KEVIN AND I GOT
‫KICKED OUT OF DANCES ‫FOR HEAVY PETTING.
‫- HEAVY PETTING?
‫- WELL, HE TRIED ‫TO GO DOWN ON ME.
‫- SO GODDAMN ROMANTIC.
‫- YOU CAN'T SMOKE IN HERE.
‫ACTUALLY...
‫YOU KNOW, ‫ONE PUFF WOULDN'T KILL YOU.
‫WHY DON'T YOU JUST ‫STAND RIGHT HERE?
‫YEAH.
‫SO WHERE'S YOUR FRIEND?
‫YOU KNOW, THE ONE WHO'S ‫ALWAYS COMING INTO MY OFFICE
‫TO SIGN IN, SO WE DON'T ‫THINK HE'S A SEX OFFENDER?
‫- SERGIO HAD OTHER PLANS.
‫- HEY, WE'RE IN THE SAME BOAT, ‫SISTER.
‫HERE'S TO ALL THE SINGLE LADIES ‫ON VALENTINE'S DAY.
‫- SADITA!
‫- SORRY, VAL, ‫CAN'T JOIN YOU
‫IN YOUR SPINSTER SUICIDE PACT ‫JUST YET.
‫- I CLOSED UP EARLY.
‫I DON'T KNOW ‫WHAT I WAS THINKING.
‫YOU'RE MY VALENTINE, ‫NOT THOSE SAD SINGLES.
‫- [sighs] ‫WELL, IT'S OFFICIAL.
‫I AM THE BIGGEST LOSER HERE.
‫- I WOULDN'T SAY THAT.
‫- WILL, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
‫I THOUGHT YOU WERE OUT OF TOWN.
‫- PLEASE, I WANTED TO DO ‫SOMETHING SPECIAL
‫FOR VALENTINE'S DAY,
‫SO I DECIDED ‫I'D KICK IT OLD SCHOOL.
‫I'VE BEEN STALKING YOUR ASS ‫ALL NIGHT.
‫- THAT IS SO ROMANTIC.
‫- SWEET. ‫- MM-HMM.
‫[creaking] ‫- HOW'S THAT?
‫- IT'S--IT'S FINE.
‫- AND THAT? ‫- IT'S OKAY.
‫- HOW'S THAT?
‫- [gasps] ‫THAT'S GOOD.
‫- AND THAT? ‫- YES.
‫- AND THAT? ‫- YEAH.
‫OH, YEAH!
‫[all gasp]
‫[all cheering]
‫- IT LOOKED LIKE I HAD ENDED ‫THE DROUGHT FOR EVERYONE.
‫WELL, ALMOST EVERYONE.
‫- NOW THAT THE GREAT REPRESSION ‫WAS FINALLY OVER,
‫PEOPLE WERE TREATING ME THE WAY ‫THEY NORMALLY DID.
‫- THANKS FOR HIRING ‫THAT SHARTY BUS, HAMILTUNA.
‫LISSA WAS CAUGHT ON THE MOLLY ‫THAT SHE ATE OFF THE FLOOR
‫OF THAT BEATER ‫AND SUSPENDED FOR TWO WEEKS.
‫NOW YOU CAN ADD "LIFE RUINER" ‫TO YOUR LIST OF ACCOMPLISHMENTS,
‫RIGHT UNDER "SUICIDE GIRL" ‫AND "MOODY SLUT."
‫- LIKE I SAID, ‫PEOPLE WERE TREATING ME THE WAY
‫THEY NORMALLY DID.
‫- HEY, HAVE YOU SEEN JAKE? ‫- WHAT?
‫I THOUGHT YOU SAID ‫WHAT HAPPENED AT THE DANCE
‫WAS A ONE-TIME THING.
‫- OH, THE REMIX ‫TO "TAMARA NEVER COMES"
‫WAS DEFINITELY A SINGLE ‫BUT CERTAINLY A CHART TOPPER.
‫OH, THERE HE IS.
‫- CAN WE NOT?
‫MATTY'S MAD AT ME.
‫- UH, CAN YOU BLAME HIM?
‫BRINGING UP YOUR SOPHOMORIC ‫SEXNANIGANS IN FRONT OF GABBY
‫WAS NOT YOUR BEST MOMENT.
‫- TAMARA WAS RIGHT.
‫I HAD TOLD MYSELF I WAS ‫GIVING EVERYONE A NEW DEAL,
‫BUT WHAT I'D GIVEN MATTY ‫WAS MORE LIKE A RAW DEAL.
‫HEY, I JUST WANT TO SAY ‫I'M SORRY ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED
‫ON THE BUS.
‫NEVER HAVE I EVER ACTED LIKE ‫SUCH AN IMMATURE IDIOT.
‫- ACTUALLY, THE STRIPPER POLE ‫FAIL ALMOST MAKES UP FOR IT.
‫NO, I'M SORRY TOO.
‫I WAS PRETTY DICKISH ABOUT IT, ‫BUT I WAS JUST MAD.
‫- IS GABBY MAD?
‫- NO, NO, SHE JUST WANTS ‫TO TAKE THINGS A LITTLE SLOW.
‫- WELL, NOT EVERYONE CAN ‫MOVE AS FAST AS I CAN.
‫- YEAH, I DON'T THINK ‫WE'LL BE HITTING THAT GEAR
‫FOR A LITTLE WHILE.
‫- SO SHE IS MAD?
‫- NO, SHE'S A VIRGIN.
‫WHICH I RESPECT, AND SOME THINGS ‫ARE JUST WORTH WAITING FOR.
‫YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
‫- MATTY, OVER HERE.
‫- I DID KNOW WHAT HE MEANT.
‫GABBY WAS WORTH WAITING FOR,
‫AND I HADN'T BEEN.
‫- NEXT ON AWKWARD... ‫HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
‫- AW, A CUPCAKE! ‫LAKER TICKETS, HOLY [bleep].
‫- I'M THROWING ‫A LITTLE SURPRISE PARTY
‫FOR MATTY LATER-- ‫YOU SHOULD COME.
‫- GABBY WAS A FIERCE COMPETITOR, ‫BUT I COULD BE TOO.
‫I WAS GONNA BE ‫SO [bleep] FRIENDLY, IT HURT.
‫MY PLANS TONIGHT GOT CANCELED,
‫AND I CAN DEFINITELY COME ‫TO THE PARTY.
‫- SURPRISE!
‫THAT LOOKS LIKE... ‫both: TAMARA AND SADIE!